Amelia's due date was January 5th and I was feeling pretty excited that the doctor decided to induce me on the 6th. I had gone in the morning of the 5th and found out I was 4cm and 80% effaced. The doctor told me I was a ticking time bomb and he was on call the next day so he would feel more comfortable inducing me the morning or the 6th since I may not make it to the hospital before 8cm. I came home all excited with my bags packed and was excited to get a good nights rest before the induction. Around 10pm on my due date, I started feeling painful cramps. They weren't like they were with Mason where they start off 30 min. apart, then 20, then 10…these ones started at 5min then quickly to 3min apart. I was starting to get really scared because I knew things were happening quickly and the hospital was 40 min away. Brandon and I hurried in the car and rushed to the hospital (weird side note: I also went into labor with mason on his due date!! so weird)
When we got to the hospital I was monitored and checked and already 7cm. I had to wait awhile for the epidural which was rough but eventually got one when I was 8cm or so. I had some relief but the doctor on call decided to not pop my water until my doctor came. I thought this would happen like it did with Mace but my water never popped on its own. I was starting to feel a lot of pain and pressure and was getting really frustrated they hadn't popped it! It felt like baby was trying to move but couldn't…not a fun feeling. My epidural was also wearing off too which was scaring me a bit.
At 5am I was told I was 9-10cm. At 7am my doctor finally arrived and popped the water. All of a sudden the pain got really intense. The epidural had completely worn off by this time and exhaustion was starting to set in. I pushed for 2.5 hours and baby was posterior (face up instead of down) and wasn't budging with each push. I had only progress from a -3 to a -2 station in that period. With tears in my eyes and extreme pain taking over my body I listened to the dreaded words from the doctor "I'm sorry Christi, She just isn't coming down and she's posterior so it's not looking promising. I think a Csection would be safest for her and you at this point" At the time my pain was so intense there was no arguing with him or defending my hopes of having a "natural delivery".
I remember in the operating room feeling so tired that I was drifting in and out of sleep as they were hooking me up. When Amelia came out they handed her close to me and i was so exhausted I remember not feeling this overwhelming sense of excitement, more of a feeling of defeat and exhaust. It was a scary feeling! I never imagined that would be a feeling I would have the second my baby was handed to me….but the exhaustion and pain had really messed with my mind set.
In recovery, I finally started to feel a little better and get some pain relief. They handed me Amelia and encouraged me to nurse her and be close with her. I remember tearing up looking at her and how beautiful I thought she was. My mind had so many emotions. "I wish my mom was here to see how beautiful this little girl is" "I'm sorry I was a hot mess the first minutes I got to meet you".
Recovery has been the hardest part of this entire month. I told Brandon I feel cursed this month I swear. I developed mastisis from breastfeeding the first weekend home and had terrible aches and chills. A week after that I developed an infection under my incision and had fever and chills, then this past weekend I go the stomach flu and spent most of the weekend puking and curled up in a ball. Luckily I had some milk frozen for baby and she took it in a bottle like a champ while I had the flu. I was so dehydrated my body stopped making milk it was pretty scary!
Mason has been an amazing brother to Amelia. I love seeing the two of them together. It has been hard not having family close by especially with all the set backs we have had with my health in recovery. One of the hardest things for me to is when I get a phone call and the first question asked is "How did the birth go. I want to know everything" It's not "aww Amelia is cute" or "How are you feeling? I hope you are doing well" I have decided this is my new biggest pet peve. I have been having a hard time since the C-section wondering what if I didn't listen to the doctor and decided to ignore his suggestion. I think as women we hear these amazing stories of women who go into labor and delivery with no complications and come out with a beautiful baby the "natural" way. This will never be my story and it is hard knowing I tried my hardest and still failed. It's something I will never be able to change and I know that I had to make a decision that was best for my baby and me….and not my own personal wish. It's tough let me tell you!
I actually had someone tell me "I don't get it…my hips are smaller than yours and I had no issues" and "let me tell you about my delivery…I was like you and pushed for 2.5 hours but didn't give up"…..I don't think people realize how words like this to other moms can really hurt! I actually got off the phone with a friend and teared up wondering how anyone could say anything like that to another mom who just went through the battle of her life to have her little baby. My advice to any woman is to make sure you are respectful when talking to another woman about her delivery experience. You never know how that mom is feeling.
I am feeling soooo much better today after having the flu Saturday so I'm looking forward to a much better week here. Brandon and I want to find some fun activities to do with Mace man this month and hopefully get a break form the winter blues! :) I hope you all have a great week and I will continue to post pictures and updates of the kids soon..xoxo
